I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
