dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
