mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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