Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
