i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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