dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
