I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
