Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i just sent this text using only my big toe
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
