We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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