He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
