My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
