I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
You know, be my cock's hype man.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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