is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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