Have you finally orgasmed yet?
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
