Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
