seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
