when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Randomize
