I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
