Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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