So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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