Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
