mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
