Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Randomize
