Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
