If that was your dad, he is hot
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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