It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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