Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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