dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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