If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
