Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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