watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
