There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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