We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Found the puke drawer
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
