I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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