WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
