I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
