My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just forgot I was standing up.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
