hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
