If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Randomize
