so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
