just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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