I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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