The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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