Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
