I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Randomize
