yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
