there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
