I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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