i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
