y did u give ur computer a hand job?
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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