if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
