This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
