Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
