If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
