Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
