I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
