You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm way too hungover for life right now
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
