sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
