I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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